Lonely adult cybersex

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Here's something I don't talk about very often; I'm a survivor of some pretty fucked up cyber sexual relations. I was 14 when I bought my first laptop with my own money. I fell into this trap and couldn't escape; I became obsessed. Clearly there was something wrong with me and I was just acting out. I fell deeply into depression; there were days where I would stare at the clock and just wait for sleep. And I had to like everything was peachy-keen; nothing to see here, folks!

I was lonely, depressed, suffering from an eating disorder and was recovering from incest. Having cyber sex with older men made me feel powerful, untouchable and fuckable at the same time. It gave me a boost of self-esteem like nothing else ever had. My parents found out after about 6 months of this and I was in a sort-of relationship with a 20 year old who lived 2 states over. Take away the computer, the men, the cell-phone and my privacy and problem solved, right? Yes, there was something wrong, but it wasn't with me, and my cyber sex was nothing more than a symptom of something bigger.

I realized that I had been taken advantage of, manipulated and used....essentially, cyber-raped. I know I internalized a lot of what these men said to me, what they did. I recently received contact from one of these men and had a small breakdown. I don't talk about this because honestly, I'm ashamed.

The reality of what I did, what they did, hit me like an avalanche. I wish she could see that she didn't need any of them to feel whole. I feel foolish and stupid every time I bring this subject up.

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