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I know that some people just don’t like being touched, but even the huggiest and kissiest of us do a fair bit of involuntary sphincter scrunching when someone else’s hands take us outside our comfort zone.

And I’m always amazed by the number of guys who wouldn’t dream of grabbing a woman’s arse at a garden centre but think it’s OK in a club. Is she sticking it out whilst wiggling it and winking at you? Don’t be light and strokey and sinister or she’ll think you’re a Tim Burton animation masquerading as a human being.

Accessories are fair game, but try to be genuine and specific.

A woman in a bar is surrounded by friends, waiters, bouncers and people who can help if she becomes the object of a madman’s affections. Ken Clarke has been guilty of some utter cuntery but he has not yet introduced a Sex for Wine bill.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d rather have a Mars Bar.

It’s up to the individual, but I’d advise that you avoid complimenting someone’s primary, secondary or tertiary sexual organs until you’ve known them for at least a week.

If you want to sleep with some poor girl with crippling self esteem problems, good luck to you. May I refer you to Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, who told the eponymous hero that she was not “a prize to be won”?

But a reasonably confident lady will respond by chucking a double Baileys in your face. Women want to get laid too – just not by everyone Many men I’ve spoken to treat pulling like weight training. If a woman has told you she’s not interested, she’s not playing a weird game – for whatever reason, she’s not taken a shine to you and no amount of drinks, card tricks and showing off is going to change her mind. However, avagina isn’t like Tesco – it’s not an area that welcomes all business once the doors have been open.

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