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It is obvious that his mom is tired of handling his mess but I don't want it, either.He left us, and I don't feel it is my responsibility nor do I want to handle issues such as his finances.my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. First he moved into his mom's house then got his own apartment then the legal troubles started and the extended stays in jail.Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. Another dilemma I have is that over the years his mom has tried to transfer "responsibilities" to me.You are right, having your own space makes it easier, especially at first -- but then you get less opportuniites for growth and in learning how to stop being an enalber.One of the suggestions I found from dating advice was this: to not ask adults (leading) questions. They will share with you if they want to-- trust me when a man has something to tell a woman he wants to impress - there is nothing that could stop him from doing just that.
Accept others for who they show you they are - and stop being in denial about the fact that you are powerless to influence him one way or another.
A few years ago I filed for a legal separation to protect what my children and Ihad left.
I feel like I don't need to touch anything related to his finances 1) because it might affect my legal standing to be protected from his messes and 2) because I have no desire to. Also, for example, a couple of years ago after he went to jail I was the one who dealt with the management at the apartment complex and cleaned out the apartment. When we detach with love, it allows the other person to be who they are. you and his mom are the two left still enabling him and as hard as this seems-- the best way to help them reach their bottoms is to stop enabling, being that soft place for him to fall on -- dont shield him from the consequences of his actions -- unless and until you stop enalbing, fixing, cleaning up after him and being willing to make it easier for him -- u are contributing to his inability to change and get to solving his own problems.
(Is that ironic - he leaves us and I clean his apartment)Again, I'm not saying his mom should have to handle these things either, but there is no one else. Something I was told in the beginning is to not clean up after the qualifier (alcoholic). My only suggestion to you is to go to alanon and work the steps with a sponsor. I mean-- that is YOUr choice to enable him-- and if you never stop picking up his messes, he wont have any incentive to change, why should he you and his mom make is so easy.
That they should suffer the consequences of their own actions, just like the rest of us. I make sure anything that we pay together, he gives me cash for in advance. His mom used to pay all his bills for him, with his money. For that matter as long as his mom continues to worry about his problems, try to solve his life for him, why would he stop that too?